Let’s Talk Codependency: Are You Being Supportive or Just a Hot Mess?
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Written By: Undefeated Healthcare Editorial Team
Reviewed By: Chase Butala MS LPC, LCPC
9/9/2025
Let’s Define Codependency (Without Making You Feel Personally Attacked)
Codependency is kind of like emotional people-pleasing on steroids. It’s when your identity slowly dissolves into someone else’s problems, and suddenly your full-time job is managing your partner’s mood swings, your mom’s passive aggression, or your adult child’s “freelance journey” that’s suspiciously light on income.
Simply put, codependency is when helping becomes compulsive, loving becomes exhausting, and your calendar is full of things you never wanted to do in the first place. It’s not just being nice. It’s neglecting your own mental health in the name of being “nice.”
Wait—Do A Lot of People Have This? Or Am I Just Special?
You’re not alone. In fact, you’re likely standing in line behind a ton of other emotionally overextended folks. Mental health professionals estimate that millions of Americans exhibit codependent traits, especially those raised in environments where “feelings” were either ignored, punished, or served with a side of chaos.
One study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that up to 30% of people in therapy show signs of codependency. The other 70% are probably still pretending everything is fine.
How to Know If You’re Codependent (Hint: If You Read This Section and Feel Personally Offended, Keep Reading)
Codependency doesn’t wear a name tag. It looks like:
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” but don’t want to deal with the fallout
Feeling personally responsible for everyone else’s mood like you’re some kind of emotional barometer
Measuring your worth by how useful, helpful, or indispensable you are
Avoiding conflict like it’s a nest of snakes—even if you’re seething inside
Feeling like you’re either saving someone… or being totally irrelevant
In romantic relationships, codependents often become unpaid therapists or emotional support humans. In families, they take on roles like “the fixer,” “the golden child,” or “the one who never says no even though they’re dying inside.”
But I’m Just a Caring Person! (Welcome to Codependent Denial)
Here’s where it gets tricky. A big part of codependency is denial. You think you’re just being helpful. Loving. Loyal. The glue. The rock. The “ride or die.” (Heavy on the “die.”)
But often, it’s anxiety in disguise. We over-give because we’re scared. Scared of being rejected. Scared of being unneeded. Scared that if we stop fixing things, everything (and everyone) will fall apart. Spoiler alert: they probably won’t. Or maybe they will, and that’s not your circus.
Denial also messes with your honesty and empathy. You’re so busy over-functioning that you lose the ability to step back and feel what you feel, or see things clearly from someone else’s perspective. That’s not love—that’s survival.
How to Start Unplugging From the Codependency Matrix (Without Moving to a Yurt)
Before you ghost everyone and live off-grid, try these first:
Read books like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It’s basically required reading for recovering fixers.
Journal like your life depends on it. Ask yourself questions like: “What do I actually want?” and “Whose crisis am I solving today and why?”
Practice saying “no” without a 7-paragraph explanation or a panic attack.
Try not fixing things for a day. See if the world burns down. (It won’t. Probably.)
Go to a support group, like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). It’s free, nonjudgmental, and full of people who used to think they were “just really caring.”
Why a Therapist Might Be Your New Favorite Person
At some point, you’re going to hit a wall (or maybe already have) and realize that your relationships feel like unpaid internships with emotional labor as the job description. This is where therapy can help.
At Undefeated Healthcare, our therapists get it. We specialize in helping people who’ve spent years being “the strong one,” only to discover that strength shouldn’t come with exhaustion, resentment, or migraines.
We use tools like:
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) – to help you unlearn the guilt-ridden nonsense in your head
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) – so you can set boundaries without sweating through your shirt
Inner Child Work – yes, we’re going there. That little kid in you needs attention too
Attachment-Based Therapy – to help you stop chasing love like it’s hiding from you
Family Systems Therapy – to untangle that delightful mess you inherited from Thanksgiving dinners
Here’s the Truth (and It’s Actually Empowering)
Codependency isn’t a life sentence. It’s just a pattern—and patterns can be changed. You don’t have to keep overextending, over-apologizing, and over-functioning while secretly hoping someone will finally notice how much you’re doing.
At Undefeated Healthcare, we’re here to help you find your way back to yourself. Strong doesn’t mean self-sacrificing. Loving doesn’t mean losing your voice. You deserve relationships where your worth doesn’t depend on your usefulness.
We’ve got licensed therapists in Virginia, West Virginia, and Maryland—with immediate availability.
Call us at 304-270-8179 to schedule your free consultation.
You can be kind and have boundaries. You can love others without abandoning yourself. You can be healing, hilarious, and a whole human being—not just someone else’s support system. Let’s talk.
